It is only 29 days into 2018 and for some reason I feel like I have changed so much. It is not jut me though-everywhere I turn there is a magnetic energy, a vibrancy of life that is daring you to do more, do better, be better. However, within this small bubble of determination and promise that seems to be surrounding me lately I found a sweet sadness-it is like for the first time I am really grasping how temporal this world, and my life in it, truly are.
In 2018 I have found myself, fairly often, grappling with what I want the rest of my days to look like. Simple, nominal questions become sharp and poignant accusers. And it seems to be in everything that I do. The ease of working in the most beautiful little bookstore I have ever been in, spending weekends (and some weeknights) surrounded by literature, coffee, and a sweet escape from my demanding and busy 9-5 job make me think-"I could do this forever? Bookseller-what a precious title. I feel so content." And then slowly the same old feeling creeps up-could you? Being accepted to graduate school at a prestigious institution. The door has been opened for independent, powerful research making the way for me to reach the next echelon of society-this must be what I need. But then the question echoes in my mind "for what true purpose?"
I have been programmed, or perhaps simply convinced, by this ever present societal innovation that every decision I make has to be made with the intention of gaining more clout, more wealth, more fame, more power. Every degree, wardrobe choice, workout, and instagram post, has to make me the envy of others, the must invite on the party list, the loved and respected and aloof woman across the room. OH AND I NEED TO FLOSS MORE! But, within these carefully crafted decisions and calculations where is the love, joy, and grace. Where is there room for even a little of each of these things?
No where! No where in these carefully crafted decisions have I left room to cultivate a graceful life. Ambition for oneself and to make the world a better place is fine. Actually I would argue that ambition is imperative to a full life. But, when you stop in the middle of your fourth 67 hour work week in a row and realize the grind is all that is left...whew, how much of my soul will I sacrifice for this lifestyle?
I think everyone wants to live a life of passion. But in the pursuit of a passionate life I am afraid we have simply squelched our flames. How can you be passionate if you're busy? How can you love if you are preoccupied with your to do list? How can you accept love if you demand perfection? How can you be adventurous if your entire month's calendar is packed? How can you be graceful if you are exhausted?
As I write this my 2018 mantra is ringing loudly in my ears: "The battle for your heart is fought on the pages of your calendar" {Bob Goff} and oh how my battle has been waged.
This weekend, for the first time in over a year, my eyes were open, the dust cleared, my exhausted spirit breathed-and, not surprising to some, it was all done in the kitchen whipping up some made from scratch with lots of love meals. A dear friend of mine had surgery on Friday and I told her I would take her dinner when she got home from the hospital. Friday rolled around and all I could do was grumble about how busy I was. I kept thinking about how much I loved her but that I should just pick up take out and take it over there instead of cooking a meal. She is a sweetie and she knows I work all the time, she wouldn't care. Then her boyfriend texted me-there had been surgical complications and her little in and out surgery was turning into an inpatient overnight affair. My heart stopped. How could I place my calendar about my friend? I did not even feel guilty about it at first! How could I have thought that take out was the answer? When did caring and serving and love my friends become just another thing to mark off my to do list? The next day as I stood in the kitchen preparing a chicken and asparagus dish I silently prayed for it to be sprinkled with love, and to never become so selfish again. When I arrived at her house and hugged my friend I was hit with the realization of how me centric my life was becoming.
But, oh how easily we forget the lessons of life. Because in the same weekend I had to learn the lesson again. Sunday night I was having my entire 20 person group of friends over for brunch (for dinner-it is like breakfast for dinner but sounds fancier). As I stood in the kitchen at 1:00 am on Saturday night after working all day and knowing I would have to get up early to work again, a storm rolled on in my heart. The battle was once again waged. I found myself complaining of all the work it took to make these homemade quiche, why was I even doing this, what was the purpose? I should be resting I have so much to do this coming week, I have to travel for work multiple times this month, what is going on, why did I invite everyone over in the first place?
I did not clear that bad attitude until about an hour after everyone arrived. I was sitting on the floor watching my friends eat and laugh and talk. Old friends catching up, new friends being made, quiche being devoured, and suddenly a soft contentment spread over my body-similar to the warmth from my first sip of coffee. In this room was more love than I could ever express. More late night conversations, more belly laughs than some people have in a lifetime. More hours of celebration over accomplishments, and more days spent scheming to see each other have successes. More book recommendations, debatable topics, sweet listening moments, and warm hugs when they were desperately needed than most people get in an entire lifetime. For the first time in a long time I felt content.
I thought of all the moments in 2017 that were robbed of me because of busy or expectation. I thought of all the stress and tears and resentment I had wasted. I have decided it has been more than enough. For me 2018 is about grace. Grace for myself and grace for others. It is about taking the time to facetime my niece when all she wants to do is run around with me on the phone not even really talking just playing, it is about sitting still in the morning with my coffee instead of scrolling incessantly through the news to see what I missed the day before, it is about kneading love into every made from scratch scone and asking my friends "how are you" and listening intensely to the reply. 2018 is about being still. And still is exactly what I am going to be, for a little while at least. There will be a time later this year when my soul has settled when it is time for me to fight again, to work, to be buys. But for now I am going to savor the moments of contentment that come from true expressions of love (homemade, gluten free quiche anyone?)-even if I should start flossing some more.
