It is only 29 days into 2018 and for some reason I feel like I have changed so much. It is not jut me though-everywhere I turn there is a magnetic energy, a vibrancy of life that is daring you to do more, do better, be better. However, within this small bubble of determination and promise that seems to be surrounding me lately I found a sweet sadness-it is like for the first time I am really grasping how temporal this world, and my life in it, truly are.
In 2018 I have found myself, fairly often, grappling with what I want the rest of my days to look like. Simple, nominal questions become sharp and poignant accusers. And it seems to be in everything that I do. The ease of working in the most beautiful little bookstore I have ever been in, spending weekends (and some weeknights) surrounded by literature, coffee, and a sweet escape from my demanding and busy 9-5 job make me think-"I could do this forever? Bookseller-what a precious title. I feel so content." And then slowly the same old feeling creeps up-could you? Being accepted to graduate school at a prestigious institution. The door has been opened for independent, powerful research making the way for me to reach the next echelon of society-this must be what I need. But then the question echoes in my mind "for what true purpose?"
I have been programmed, or perhaps simply convinced, by this ever present societal innovation that every decision I make has to be made with the intention of gaining more clout, more wealth, more fame, more power. Every degree, wardrobe choice, workout, and instagram post, has to make me the envy of others, the must invite on the party list, the loved and respected and aloof woman across the room. OH AND I NEED TO FLOSS MORE! But, within these carefully crafted decisions and calculations where is the love, joy, and grace. Where is there room for even a little of each of these things?
No where! No where in these carefully crafted decisions have I left room to cultivate a graceful life. Ambition for oneself and to make the world a better place is fine. Actually I would argue that ambition is imperative to a full life. But, when you stop in the middle of your fourth 67 hour work week in a row and realize the grind is all that is left...whew, how much of my soul will I sacrifice for this lifestyle?
I think everyone wants to live a life of passion. But in the pursuit of a passionate life I am afraid we have simply squelched our flames. How can you be passionate if you're busy? How can you love if you are preoccupied with your to do list? How can you accept love if you demand perfection? How can you be adventurous if your entire month's calendar is packed? How can you be graceful if you are exhausted?
As I write this my 2018 mantra is ringing loudly in my ears: "The battle for your heart is fought on the pages of your calendar" {Bob Goff} and oh how my battle has been waged.
This weekend, for the first time in over a year, my eyes were open, the dust cleared, my exhausted spirit breathed-and, not surprising to some, it was all done in the kitchen whipping up some made from scratch with lots of love meals. A dear friend of mine had surgery on Friday and I told her I would take her dinner when she got home from the hospital. Friday rolled around and all I could do was grumble about how busy I was. I kept thinking about how much I loved her but that I should just pick up take out and take it over there instead of cooking a meal. She is a sweetie and she knows I work all the time, she wouldn't care. Then her boyfriend texted me-there had been surgical complications and her little in and out surgery was turning into an inpatient overnight affair. My heart stopped. How could I place my calendar about my friend? I did not even feel guilty about it at first! How could I have thought that take out was the answer? When did caring and serving and love my friends become just another thing to mark off my to do list? The next day as I stood in the kitchen preparing a chicken and asparagus dish I silently prayed for it to be sprinkled with love, and to never become so selfish again. When I arrived at her house and hugged my friend I was hit with the realization of how me centric my life was becoming.
But, oh how easily we forget the lessons of life. Because in the same weekend I had to learn the lesson again. Sunday night I was having my entire 20 person group of friends over for brunch (for dinner-it is like breakfast for dinner but sounds fancier). As I stood in the kitchen at 1:00 am on Saturday night after working all day and knowing I would have to get up early to work again, a storm rolled on in my heart. The battle was once again waged. I found myself complaining of all the work it took to make these homemade quiche, why was I even doing this, what was the purpose? I should be resting I have so much to do this coming week, I have to travel for work multiple times this month, what is going on, why did I invite everyone over in the first place?
I did not clear that bad attitude until about an hour after everyone arrived. I was sitting on the floor watching my friends eat and laugh and talk. Old friends catching up, new friends being made, quiche being devoured, and suddenly a soft contentment spread over my body-similar to the warmth from my first sip of coffee. In this room was more love than I could ever express. More late night conversations, more belly laughs than some people have in a lifetime. More hours of celebration over accomplishments, and more days spent scheming to see each other have successes. More book recommendations, debatable topics, sweet listening moments, and warm hugs when they were desperately needed than most people get in an entire lifetime. For the first time in a long time I felt content.
I thought of all the moments in 2017 that were robbed of me because of busy or expectation. I thought of all the stress and tears and resentment I had wasted. I have decided it has been more than enough. For me 2018 is about grace. Grace for myself and grace for others. It is about taking the time to facetime my niece when all she wants to do is run around with me on the phone not even really talking just playing, it is about sitting still in the morning with my coffee instead of scrolling incessantly through the news to see what I missed the day before, it is about kneading love into every made from scratch scone and asking my friends "how are you" and listening intensely to the reply. 2018 is about being still. And still is exactly what I am going to be, for a little while at least. There will be a time later this year when my soul has settled when it is time for me to fight again, to work, to be buys. But for now I am going to savor the moments of contentment that come from true expressions of love (homemade, gluten free quiche anyone?)-even if I should start flossing some more.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Why I bought a cactus that says "I thrive on neglect" on the label...
Hey you, yes you, tugging at your pencil skirt with blurry eyes looking over that memo one last time. I see you and I feel you. It is hard being a woman in your 20s. The media, our parents, facebook, and certain instagram accounts told us that this would be the time of our lives: climbing the corporate ladder, becoming independent and stable, exploring the world around us.
It is the time to be witty and charming and fearless but instead you feel like if you do not have one more cup of coffee your snarkiness level will envelope everyone in a 100 mile radius. You are really learning what you are up against outside of the safety of your university. You are seeing the glass ceilings, you are making hard choices, you are keeping your chin up when you feel like cowering at the table.
If you are like me your 20s are probably filled with more questions than answers. This is not the time in your life for the nice house and minivan. This is the time in your life for easy mac and thrift stores. For splurging on that gym membership so you can fit into your clothes because you cannot afford to buy new ones. Sometimes you hit roadblocks. Some people tell you that you are young and naive and you do not understand. Others want to know why you aren't jumping at every opportunity saying you should know more than the previous generations.
Some think you are too progressive in your ideology and you do not understand how the world turns. Others think you must be crazy to be so conservative saying you will miss out on the important things in life. The number of places you still want to see in the world is almost as large as the number on your student loan payment. The list of books you need to read is collecting dust on your shelf but your passion to be well rounded keeps nagging at you that you should read at least one chapter tonight even if you have to have one more cup of coffee to make it happen. You cannot get away from the barrage of news updates because you have to be in the loop. You have to know what is happening, not just in your country but in the world-the economist, New York Times, Washington Post, Associated Press, maybe a few more.
You do not know how some people can be so ignorant then you look at your diploma and wonder what you even learned in all those classes. You lust for adventure, you crave stability. You feel like you might possibly implode just worrying about yourself yet you demand a more just world for those you have not even met.
If this sounds like you then I think you are doing it right.
For the last few weeks I felt like like I am being crushed by a heavy weight. I have wondered why everything that seemed so bright right out of college now seems so daunting. I have faced setbacks and had some great times. I have laughed until my lungs burned and cried at 8 in the morning because I couldn’t find my bra-and I think that is ok.
I have friends who are figuring it all out; they are married (or getting there), they have a career, and, a few of them, even have children...on purpose. I, on the other hand, have a cactus that I was very attracted to because it said “I thrive on neglect” across the pot and that is the kind of positivity I need in my life right now. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me.
Just recently, almost one full year removed from walking across that stage under the Carolina blue sky, decided what the next step will look like. And that step will take me 3-5 more years and then there will be another step that I cannot see yet. Sometimes that annoys me so badly I want to throw my neglected cactus but I also find it real and raw and that is what I have always wanted, a raw life.
The 3-5 year plan, or heck in my case right now the 3-5 month plan, is perfectly ok. It is a chance for adventure, it is a chance for healing, it is a chance to meet one new person, try one new food, live in one new place, learn one new thing. And it sometimes it SUCKS, ROYALLY, but that is part of the fun too.
Someday when you are eating a fully nutritious diet with plenty of colors on your plate, looking over soccer schedules, work agendas, car payments, and new life insurance policies you might just laugh and call up your friend saying, “Remember that time we ate mac and cheese for a month to make rent and filled up jugs of water from work so we could keep our water bill down?” And, I honestly truly believe, those will be the nights you remember.
So, for now, you are killing it. Even if you do not feel like you are because your 20s are a time of transition. They are saving up all season for one weekend on the ski slopes. They are sleeping in a tent to get to see that concert because you cannot afford a hotel. They are thinking taco bell is a great date night.
So, wear that red lipstick a little too boldly on Friday night, read the memo and extra time before you send it to your boss, cut yourself some slack if you haven't read every Herman Melville novel yet, and let your roaring 20s hear you roar back.
Monday, January 4, 2016
My Top 13 "Not Resolutions"
"A new year, a new you" is literally everywhere I look the last few days. Gyms offering half off memberships, banks offering new interest rates, clothing stores having huge sales. I really am struggling with this because as much as I would have liked to have woken up 3 days ago skinnier, smarter, more well rounded, with an adorable outfit and more money in my bank account it simply didn't happen. I didn't even bother to make resolutions this year. It might sound pessimistic but I NEVER KEEP THEM!!! And, I figured, why set myself up for failure at the START of 2016. Instead I did what I do best, I got on pinterest and found some awesome quotes...so this year I am doing life mottos to live by instead of resolutions for big change. I am going to change my mindset on the little stuff and watch the big stuff happen. So my mottos for the new year....
"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the entire world and there is still going to be someone who doesn't like peaches."
This one became a really big deal to me this past year. I tried to be impressive, I tried to be on top of everything, overly sweet and extremely helpful and no matter what I did I found that I am simply not everyones cup of tea...and in 2016 THAT IS OK!!!! It is ok that not everyone is going to love me or want to be my best friend. That is simply not how life works. My goal for this year is to be true to myself, to be real, to be me and the people who are SUPPOSED to be in my life will be there when this year comes to a close.
"Stay close to things that make you happy to be alive"
This past year I had an amazing opportunity to meet a ton of new and exciting people from every walk of life: from congressmen to homeless people in downtown and they each had an interesting story to tell. Unfortunately, in being so intoxicated by the passion and life that they get to lead I lost sight of the things I love and started doing more of what they love or what they do that makes them so successful. While I do think it is a great idea to learn from people who have gone before us who have been successful and live lives full of passion and intrigue we also can't try to morph ourselves into them. I found that I was much happier when I made time to run, to paint, to read, to talk a long night walk around campus, etc...even if no one around me enjoyed it or thought they had time. When I took the time to feed my soul every aspect of my life began to look a lot brighter.
"Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life."
This is a trap that so many people fall into...routine is safe. Routine enables you to live comfortably without ever having to worry about losing it all or the risk involved...routine will destroy you. This year I will take different paths to class, I will try new feeds and different types of coffee, I will swim in the ocean and drive to the beach just to see a sunrise, I will meet new people and read new books that I NEVER would have picked up otherwise...I will break routine and be the enemy of comfort and revel in the little miracles that are waiting to be uncovered when you step off the beaten path.
"Somedays you have to create your own sunshine"
I have seasonal depression so this is a big deal for me...but not just literal sunshine (even though sometimes I do need some serious heat lamp time) but in my mood. Some days are boring and some days are just bad. But, my outlook is in my hands and no one else's. I chose to dance in the puddles instead of complaining about the rain.
"Whatever you are be a good one"
This applies to every aspect of my life this year. Be a good aunt, be a good girlfriend, be a good friend, be a good student, be a good me. I don't have to have some fancy job title or 7 digit bank account to want to excel at every role I hold...and how much different and magical would life be if I gave everything I am my all?
"Find joy in the ordinary"
Even though this year is all about BREAKING routine and trying new things...about doing things that terrify me I am not stupid enough to believe that every single day will be new and different and fabulous and THAT IS OK! I will find joy in the simple smell of my morning coffee as I wait for my first class. I will find joy in the simple "good morning" text I get from my boyfriend, I will find joy in the old brick streets as I walk to class, and the familiarity of the classroom. I will find joy in the way the sunrises and sets and the way my best friend tells me every single thing she learned in class. I will find joy in the simple, everyday occurrences that make this life so beautiful.
"Say yes to new adventures"
This is a big one...this past year I went to California to visit one of the most beautiful women I know, and while there she made me swim in the ocean...and I almost had a panic attack because, well, JAWS. BUT I DID IT!! And I felt so proud of myself right after and I really wanted to do it again...but we went to disney world instead...either way I conquered a fear and felt like a rockstar. I ate a Mexican/Chinese infusion taco on campus, I officially joined the oldest debate society in the country, I MOVED TO DC BY MYSELF WITHOUT KNOWING ANYONE! And so much more. This year started off right when I went to the beach to start the year and did things that were very out of the ordinary for me (put-put anyone?) but my goal for this year is to carry that trend on so that when I scrapbook these adventures I can say "yeah I did that and it was awesome." (or maybe THAT WAS SO STUPID BUT I SURVIVED AND I HAVE A PICTURE TO PROVE IT SO HA! either way...)
"Be curious not judgmental"
This is a big deal at the phase of life I am at. There are so many people around me, from so many backgrounds, so many religions, and so many views and it is really easy for me to hear about something and immediately be like "thats weird, wrong, etc." but this year I want to ask questions and hear the answer and LEARN and love what I learn. I don't have to embrace every idea that comes my way but I do have to be a decent human being about it! Besides, learning new things doesn't mean I am giving in, it could actually strengthen the beliefs and convictions I have.
"When all else fails, take a nap"
Sometimes no matter how much I plan or push or try things just are not going to happen. AND THAT IS OK...I AM GOING TO FAIL IN 2015!!! And that is ok too. Just a reminder that sometimes you do your best and it doesn't pan out but you can always just take a nap and try again in later. (Disclaimer: I also just really like naps)
"What you are complaining about someone else is praying for"
My boyfriend and I went to the beach to start off new year. Well considering it is January in the south it was about 40 degrees at the beach and I am a baby when it comes to being cold. We run into starbucks to get a drink before heading down to the beach to watch the waves crash...when we get our coffee we turn and make a mad dash to the truck and I looked at him and said "This coffee isn't even full this is ridiculous what do I have to do buy a vinti to get as much coffee as used to come in a grande?!" He agrees and then throws in something about how long the line was then took a sip of his coffee "this coffee isn't even hot just barely warm!" We both were having a nice pity party until it hit us and we both said "we sound like them!" Them is a couple that we both know very well and no matter what the situation is there is SOMETHING wrong with it and it is exhausting and gross and exhausting....and exhausting...immediately he said "WE ARE AT THE BEACH!" and I said "and we can afford starbucks coffee in the first place" we both laughed and guess what? Our half empty, luke warm coffees did NOT ruin our day. Actually we had a great time sitting out on the beach and never thought about it again. Life is all about perspective...and this year I plan on having some.
"Would you rather be uncomfortable for 30-60 minutes a day or uncomfortable your entire life?"
I need to work out...even if I don't want to and even if I am never a size 2. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. I want to look in the mirror and be like "I got you girl" instead of "I am so sorry you look and feel like this" and honestly that is all up to me.
"Collect moments, not things"
It is amazing how much we spend on stuff that goes into a closet and never comes out again. OR how much we spend trying to keep up with the latest apple product (iPhone78sss anyone?). And honestly, those things mean so little. I don't think I have ever held a long, interesting conversation with anyone as they told me about all the STUFF they had. I have, however, sat absolutely entranced as people told me of places they had traveled, things they had done, people they had met, and experiences they've accumulated...and that makes for a beautiful life.
"Every day is a chance to change your life"
This is the last one for a reason...I will fail. I will not uphold these some days and I will be frustrated but the fact of the matter is that one day is a small set back. ONE WEEK IS A SMALL SETBACK and it is never to late to say I am changing this now. I don't need to wait for 12:00am January 1, 2017 to try again...I can try again any day I choose.
To make living itself an art, that is the goal.
xoxo,
Meg
This is the last one for a reason...I will fail. I will not uphold these some days and I will be frustrated but the fact of the matter is that one day is a small set back. ONE WEEK IS A SMALL SETBACK and it is never to late to say I am changing this now. I don't need to wait for 12:00am January 1, 2017 to try again...I can try again any day I choose.
To make living itself an art, that is the goal.
xoxo,
Meg
Saturday, December 26, 2015
A year without Santa
Santa has come and gone for another year. In the blink of an eye all the tinsel, lights, and jingle bells will be stuffed away, awaiting their next debut. And we will sludge through another dull winter praying for spring. As I sit beside my little Christmas tree trying to soak in the last little Christmas light, love, and magic tears flood down my cheeks. Christmas seems a little (or a lot) different as I get older. Some, or most, of the magic has been replaced with to do list and obligations.
But this season, as I turn off my lights on the tree for the last time, I'm not ready to pack up my Christmas spirit of the lessons Santa brought in his big red toy sack. This year I vow to not pack up my belief in the impossible. If during Christmas I can believe in flying reindeer and toy making elves then I can choose to believe in a world where we can end human trafficking, hunger, and prejudice. I can choose to believe in the world where there is magic and possibility around every corner and in every story.
I refuse to pack up my belief in humanity. Even the darkest, coldest person can be reached with love. Even if they ba humbug as we try to get close-every human deserves compassion, forgiveness, love, and respect. As Charles Dickens has shown us for years and years the most unreachable soul is not a lost cause until they're dead in the ground.
I refuse to pack up the spirit of giving. Realistically I cannot buy gifts all year round because well I'm a college kids and I'm poor. But there are some things I can give. I can give my time. I can put down my cell phone and give my undivided attention to those around me. I can give people my word and mean it, even if it's not fun or convenient. I can give my family and friends my unending love and support...investing in the things that mean the most to them. And when necessary I can give forgiveness. Not that cheap "forgive and don't forget" brand but the genuine forgiven, forgotten and loved brand.
Every year the very end of the Christmas Eve service is always my favorite. The lights go down and the pastors each light their candles, passing it down the rows...from the front all the way to the back. As the light travels further and further back the light overtakes the darkness until it's just as bright as when the lights were on. This year I'm taking my Christmas candle with me all year and maybe as I travel throughout this year I can light a few more candles as I go. Who knows, maybe by the time Santa makes his grand appearance next year the world will be a little brighter place...even before his arrival.
But this season, as I turn off my lights on the tree for the last time, I'm not ready to pack up my Christmas spirit of the lessons Santa brought in his big red toy sack. This year I vow to not pack up my belief in the impossible. If during Christmas I can believe in flying reindeer and toy making elves then I can choose to believe in a world where we can end human trafficking, hunger, and prejudice. I can choose to believe in the world where there is magic and possibility around every corner and in every story.
I refuse to pack up my belief in humanity. Even the darkest, coldest person can be reached with love. Even if they ba humbug as we try to get close-every human deserves compassion, forgiveness, love, and respect. As Charles Dickens has shown us for years and years the most unreachable soul is not a lost cause until they're dead in the ground.
I refuse to pack up the spirit of giving. Realistically I cannot buy gifts all year round because well I'm a college kids and I'm poor. But there are some things I can give. I can give my time. I can put down my cell phone and give my undivided attention to those around me. I can give people my word and mean it, even if it's not fun or convenient. I can give my family and friends my unending love and support...investing in the things that mean the most to them. And when necessary I can give forgiveness. Not that cheap "forgive and don't forget" brand but the genuine forgiven, forgotten and loved brand.
Every year the very end of the Christmas Eve service is always my favorite. The lights go down and the pastors each light their candles, passing it down the rows...from the front all the way to the back. As the light travels further and further back the light overtakes the darkness until it's just as bright as when the lights were on. This year I'm taking my Christmas candle with me all year and maybe as I travel throughout this year I can light a few more candles as I go. Who knows, maybe by the time Santa makes his grand appearance next year the world will be a little brighter place...even before his arrival.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Confident women.
I should be working on finals...I should be studying my butt off to finish the semester strong but I seem to be having a hard time finding the motivation to finish up. This weird thing happens every year around Christmas, I get super down and depressed feeling. I know. Weird. It should be the opposite. I should be full of Christmas cheer and, as my favorite elf states, "singing loudly for all to hear." But instead I find myself picking fights with those I love most, revisiting painful memories over and over, dealing with nightmares, and just feeling completely overcome by a feeling of not being good enough. I follow some of the most amazing women on instagram: researchers, politicians, actresses, models, advocates, travelers, and so much more. As I flip through their pictures I find myself constantly think: "gosh she is stunning" "she looks so fun" "she looks so happy" "she has so many adventures" "she has done so much"...and in the midst of these good thoughts about them I find myself consumed with bad thoughts about me: "wow gained that freshman fifteen three years ago and the sophomore seventeen after that top that off with the junior jiggle and the senior slug" "I am so boring" "I am not smart enough" "I am unhappy" "Why can't I go places?" and it is exhausting and it is so wrong. I have forgotten how to admire the beauty that another has to offer the world without diminishing my own. And then it hit me. As I admire and awe of the dazzling women behind the screen I discover the one thing that each of these women, in vastly different fields and from different ethnicities, cultures, looks, skills, and lives, has in common. Confidence. And that confidence makes all the difference in their lives and, when I embrace it, in mine....so I have compiled a list of things confident women should have:
Confident women should have the ability to see another's beauty without questioning her own.
Confident women should be proud of their brains, intelligence and smarts without being pretentious or know-it alls.
Confident women should know how to love a man without needing him to love her.
Confident women should be able to argue without demeaning.
Confident women should know how to speak up and make their voice heard without talking over those around them.
Confident women should embrace their quirks and little mistakes without accepting the bad things in their lives as unchangeable/that is just how they are.
Confident women should be full of grace to forgive but never be a doormat to those around them.
Confident women know when to stay and when to leave.
Confident women laugh at life but are also serious workers when they need to be.
Confident women embrace the stress of life as fuel for living and not insurmountable wall.
Confident women smile...a lot.
Confident women love their body and what they currently have in themselves but they never quit striving to be better than they were yesterday.
Confident women love with abandon but protect their hearts as precious.
Confident women never dumb themselves down to please those around them but they also never dumb down those around them to make themselves feel pleased.
Confident women cultivate their passions but never quit looking for new things to be passionate about.
Confident women never hold a grudge.
Confident women enjoy the fine things in life, the simple things in life, and all of those things in between.
Confident women speak of someone without talking ABOUT someone.
Confident women take care of themselves but aren't too proud to let others help.
Confident women do it for them not for others.
Confident women "work for a cause not for applause"
Confident women are proud of who they are but are never prideful.
Confident women redefine humility.
Confident women don't need anyone to tell them they are worth it.
Confident women chase their dreams but they also relish the little, still moments.
Confident women are true to themselves.
Confident women just are.
So, take that chance, darling. Be a dreamer, a doer, an adventurer. Rest, run, relax. Dance, laugh, rekindle old friendships and spark new ones. Be dazzling, be daring, and be you. Let that confidence build and then leave footprints all over the world....never be afraid to let the world know you are here and you are proud of it.
Confident women should have the ability to see another's beauty without questioning her own.
Confident women should be proud of their brains, intelligence and smarts without being pretentious or know-it alls.
Confident women should know how to love a man without needing him to love her.
Confident women should be able to argue without demeaning.
Confident women should know how to speak up and make their voice heard without talking over those around them.
Confident women should embrace their quirks and little mistakes without accepting the bad things in their lives as unchangeable/that is just how they are.
Confident women should be full of grace to forgive but never be a doormat to those around them.
Confident women know when to stay and when to leave.
Confident women laugh at life but are also serious workers when they need to be.
Confident women embrace the stress of life as fuel for living and not insurmountable wall.
Confident women smile...a lot.
Confident women love their body and what they currently have in themselves but they never quit striving to be better than they were yesterday.
Confident women love with abandon but protect their hearts as precious.
Confident women never dumb themselves down to please those around them but they also never dumb down those around them to make themselves feel pleased.
Confident women cultivate their passions but never quit looking for new things to be passionate about.
Confident women never hold a grudge.
Confident women enjoy the fine things in life, the simple things in life, and all of those things in between.
Confident women speak of someone without talking ABOUT someone.
Confident women take care of themselves but aren't too proud to let others help.
Confident women do it for them not for others.
Confident women "work for a cause not for applause"
Confident women are proud of who they are but are never prideful.
Confident women redefine humility.
Confident women don't need anyone to tell them they are worth it.
Confident women chase their dreams but they also relish the little, still moments.
Confident women are true to themselves.
Confident women just are.
So, take that chance, darling. Be a dreamer, a doer, an adventurer. Rest, run, relax. Dance, laugh, rekindle old friendships and spark new ones. Be dazzling, be daring, and be you. Let that confidence build and then leave footprints all over the world....never be afraid to let the world know you are here and you are proud of it.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Enough.
I was sitting down to eat my lunch today and my phone started to light up. I had planned on studying while I ate so I was tempted to ignore it but it was from one of those friends that you just love so much you can't ignore a text. I open the text and the first sentence was "don't take this the wrong way but..." Oh crap. I hate messages that start like this I took a deep breath, said a small prayer for understanding and read on "How are you always so self confident and assured." I literally laughed out loud at this message. WHAT?! She really thinks I am always so self confident? She must be crazy. However, she wasn't entirely wrong. I do not hate myself anymore and I know what I want (most of the time, unless my boyfriend asks me what I want for dinner then I got nothing) so I tried to compile a few pieces of precious advice that are engrained into my daily routine and soul but a list seemed so shallow so instead I wrote her a letter....here we go....
My precious and beautiful friend,
Thank you for the deep laughs and dear moments we have shared. You asked me a simple question today-how am I always so self assured? Oh dear one, how I laughed...I am so far from that. I am flawed, I fail every single day. I feel unsure of relationships and my value when compared to those around me. I go to the gym and see these pretty girls and don't want to look in the mirror. I lose my temper or watched netflix instead of studying and then want to kick myself for wasting precious time. But, a key difference between me and the girls around me is something that happened to me about a year ago. I became broken.
You told me that you were tired of feeling like you were not enough and it felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry for you because I know that feeling all to well. That overhanging doubt that seems to shadow every single thing that you do. I remember not even being able to sit in my room alone without thinking that some how I was even doing THAT wrong-that I wasn't enough and never would be. So, I concocted a plan- do not be alone. Jump from relationship to relationship and show them that I am enough. Be a people pleaser with my friends so they would call me first when something went wrong and I would always be in the know. Be a straight A student so my parents could brag that I go to the best public school in the country. Do all the homework so teachers know my name and think "yeah that student is going place" and in the midst of this brilliant plan the weirdest thing happened. I did not feel like I was enough...actually the opposite I constantly felt worse and worse about myself. Like I wasn't measuring up so I would try harder and harder and it kept pushing me further and further down.
And then it happened-I snapped under my not enoughness. I developed an eating disorder that rocked me to my very core. I was sitting in my counselors office after months of seeing her and feeling like I had no break throughs and then it was like the clouds cleared. I had to make a list of two things: what I am and who I am.
What I am included my temporary titles. Those that I cherish and value but that cannot ever define me: I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a student, a worker. The who I am is what really rocked my world, because it is the very essence of my being: I am smart, I am kind, I am hot tempered, I am an adventurer, a wanderer, I am curious, I am me. The realization of the things that have always been locked inside of me changed everything. However, knowing those things and applying them are completely different. I could not just make a list of these things, read over them and then BAM suddenly feel like I was enough. I knew something had to change and so I did the scariest thing I have ever had to do...I became alone.
I broke up with my boyfriend-not because I didn't like him (lets be honest I liked them all-even the losers) and not because he was a bad guy, but because I knew I was with him because he was my validation that I was somehow enough. He was the one who kept me from having to be alone, he kept me from having to deal with the heartbreaks from the last one, and he gave me someone else to focus on. I had to ignore the temptations to jump back into a relationship with the next guy because he was the same thing-oh he was fun to flirt with but he too was just outward validation. Those relationships were not about being in love or finding someone to be with but rather about proving that I was good enough, sexy enough, desirable enough, fun enough, just enough-to somebody, anybody. I quit being a people pleaser and it was amazing how quickly those "friends" dropped like flies. I quit striving for straight A's and began to just try to enjoy learning. I did what work I could in class to get the information but not at the cost of my health. And, in the midst of this transition, the worst thing in the world happened....I got sooooo lonely.
That is exactly what you wanted to hear isn't it? I know it sucks. But it was in that loneliness that I found this self confidence that you say you see when you look at me. In this place of loneliness I was able to look around and find those things that made my heart beat faster, my smile reach my eyes, and made my life feel full. I realized the sunset was not any less brilliant without a boy beside me to enjoy it, I found that the ocean was not any less vast without friends to document every single moment with, and I found that I enjoyed reading-I enjoyed history, and classics, and autobiographies. I found that hearing about modern day human trafficking made my blood boil and gave me a cause to fight for and I found that I am obsessed with fair trade products.
And then, once I was alone and no longer looking to please anyone and not looking to feed anything but my soul the most amazing thing happened. Those people who were supposed to be (or remain) in my life began to trickle in. I was able to listen to people talk without listening for some kind of validation towards myself but rather hear what they were truly saying. I was able to belly laugh so hard my side ached without caring who was looking. I read books on history and autobiographies that made the gears in my head turn faster than they had ever turned. I was able to sit in the quad and genuinely enjoy the time alone and hear the beauty in the silence of nature.
Once I was completely alone I was able to build the life I had always dreamed of from the ground up. The people who were supposed to be in my life began to fill my time and space and with them came more joy than I had ever imagined. I was able to fall in love with a man who treats me like a princess, not to validate who I am, but just because he can. I was able to give of myself and drain myself completely in service to those around me. To revel in the act of service. I was giving of myself simply because I could, not so they would once again assure me I was enough. I was able to travel to distant cities by myself meeting lifelong friends along the way. But, being enough came from being alone, from being lonely and making a commitment to that.
I pray one day you see that you are enough. There is no one like you in this world. There is no one with a laugh that has that melodious sound, there is no one who is excited by the same things, there is no one who can think the unique things you think or love the way you love. There simply is not. But, you are short changing the world and yourself if you think being what others consider "enough" will ever grant you that inner peace.
As long as you are expecting someone else to validate that you are enough you never will be. It is only once you have reached that place-where you adopt you quirks and temperament and humor and interest and love that you will find that peace that lets you wake up every day and run through the chaos. I do not have it all together. There are still days I practically beg for someone to tell me I am enough. I determine if a picture can stay on my instagram by how many likes it gets. And sometimes I cry because my boyfriend didn't tell me I was pretty that day. And those moments are ok too. Because without those little dips in the road we could never appreciate ourselves on those other days-we could never see how far we have come or laugh at the journey it took us to get there. My self confidence comes from giving every single ounce of myself away not so someone else can tell me I am enough but because I already know that I am.
I love you dear one and am here for you along your journey. It is the most beautiful one you will ever embark on and also the scariest but I hope you take it sooner rather than later because it is here that you find true thankfulness, sincerity, and fullness of life. Best of luck....and don't forget: you are enough, not because I told you that you were today, but rather because you are simply you.
My precious and beautiful friend,
Thank you for the deep laughs and dear moments we have shared. You asked me a simple question today-how am I always so self assured? Oh dear one, how I laughed...I am so far from that. I am flawed, I fail every single day. I feel unsure of relationships and my value when compared to those around me. I go to the gym and see these pretty girls and don't want to look in the mirror. I lose my temper or watched netflix instead of studying and then want to kick myself for wasting precious time. But, a key difference between me and the girls around me is something that happened to me about a year ago. I became broken.
You told me that you were tired of feeling like you were not enough and it felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry for you because I know that feeling all to well. That overhanging doubt that seems to shadow every single thing that you do. I remember not even being able to sit in my room alone without thinking that some how I was even doing THAT wrong-that I wasn't enough and never would be. So, I concocted a plan- do not be alone. Jump from relationship to relationship and show them that I am enough. Be a people pleaser with my friends so they would call me first when something went wrong and I would always be in the know. Be a straight A student so my parents could brag that I go to the best public school in the country. Do all the homework so teachers know my name and think "yeah that student is going place" and in the midst of this brilliant plan the weirdest thing happened. I did not feel like I was enough...actually the opposite I constantly felt worse and worse about myself. Like I wasn't measuring up so I would try harder and harder and it kept pushing me further and further down.
And then it happened-I snapped under my not enoughness. I developed an eating disorder that rocked me to my very core. I was sitting in my counselors office after months of seeing her and feeling like I had no break throughs and then it was like the clouds cleared. I had to make a list of two things: what I am and who I am.
What I am included my temporary titles. Those that I cherish and value but that cannot ever define me: I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a student, a worker. The who I am is what really rocked my world, because it is the very essence of my being: I am smart, I am kind, I am hot tempered, I am an adventurer, a wanderer, I am curious, I am me. The realization of the things that have always been locked inside of me changed everything. However, knowing those things and applying them are completely different. I could not just make a list of these things, read over them and then BAM suddenly feel like I was enough. I knew something had to change and so I did the scariest thing I have ever had to do...I became alone.
I broke up with my boyfriend-not because I didn't like him (lets be honest I liked them all-even the losers) and not because he was a bad guy, but because I knew I was with him because he was my validation that I was somehow enough. He was the one who kept me from having to be alone, he kept me from having to deal with the heartbreaks from the last one, and he gave me someone else to focus on. I had to ignore the temptations to jump back into a relationship with the next guy because he was the same thing-oh he was fun to flirt with but he too was just outward validation. Those relationships were not about being in love or finding someone to be with but rather about proving that I was good enough, sexy enough, desirable enough, fun enough, just enough-to somebody, anybody. I quit being a people pleaser and it was amazing how quickly those "friends" dropped like flies. I quit striving for straight A's and began to just try to enjoy learning. I did what work I could in class to get the information but not at the cost of my health. And, in the midst of this transition, the worst thing in the world happened....I got sooooo lonely.
That is exactly what you wanted to hear isn't it? I know it sucks. But it was in that loneliness that I found this self confidence that you say you see when you look at me. In this place of loneliness I was able to look around and find those things that made my heart beat faster, my smile reach my eyes, and made my life feel full. I realized the sunset was not any less brilliant without a boy beside me to enjoy it, I found that the ocean was not any less vast without friends to document every single moment with, and I found that I enjoyed reading-I enjoyed history, and classics, and autobiographies. I found that hearing about modern day human trafficking made my blood boil and gave me a cause to fight for and I found that I am obsessed with fair trade products.
And then, once I was alone and no longer looking to please anyone and not looking to feed anything but my soul the most amazing thing happened. Those people who were supposed to be (or remain) in my life began to trickle in. I was able to listen to people talk without listening for some kind of validation towards myself but rather hear what they were truly saying. I was able to belly laugh so hard my side ached without caring who was looking. I read books on history and autobiographies that made the gears in my head turn faster than they had ever turned. I was able to sit in the quad and genuinely enjoy the time alone and hear the beauty in the silence of nature.
Once I was completely alone I was able to build the life I had always dreamed of from the ground up. The people who were supposed to be in my life began to fill my time and space and with them came more joy than I had ever imagined. I was able to fall in love with a man who treats me like a princess, not to validate who I am, but just because he can. I was able to give of myself and drain myself completely in service to those around me. To revel in the act of service. I was giving of myself simply because I could, not so they would once again assure me I was enough. I was able to travel to distant cities by myself meeting lifelong friends along the way. But, being enough came from being alone, from being lonely and making a commitment to that.
I pray one day you see that you are enough. There is no one like you in this world. There is no one with a laugh that has that melodious sound, there is no one who is excited by the same things, there is no one who can think the unique things you think or love the way you love. There simply is not. But, you are short changing the world and yourself if you think being what others consider "enough" will ever grant you that inner peace.
As long as you are expecting someone else to validate that you are enough you never will be. It is only once you have reached that place-where you adopt you quirks and temperament and humor and interest and love that you will find that peace that lets you wake up every day and run through the chaos. I do not have it all together. There are still days I practically beg for someone to tell me I am enough. I determine if a picture can stay on my instagram by how many likes it gets. And sometimes I cry because my boyfriend didn't tell me I was pretty that day. And those moments are ok too. Because without those little dips in the road we could never appreciate ourselves on those other days-we could never see how far we have come or laugh at the journey it took us to get there. My self confidence comes from giving every single ounce of myself away not so someone else can tell me I am enough but because I already know that I am.
I love you dear one and am here for you along your journey. It is the most beautiful one you will ever embark on and also the scariest but I hope you take it sooner rather than later because it is here that you find true thankfulness, sincerity, and fullness of life. Best of luck....and don't forget: you are enough, not because I told you that you were today, but rather because you are simply you.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
The opposite of love is not hate...
I am sitting alone in my room, the same room that has been mine for 10 years. It has changed a lot over the years-the pink walls replaced with a calming tan color, the posters of boy bands replaced with maps of the world and big girl artwork. Everything is different and yet everything is familiar. Everything in here I know: every crevice, every wall, every scrape and stain on the floor. Ten years this room has seen change and yet I sit here feeling like that same 11 year old girl. I look at the pile of boxes that will be moving back to school with me tomorrow for the last time, my senior adventure, what every person dreams of all throughout high school and most of college. And yet now that it is here I am terrified. I feel so unsure of myself, my future, my relationships. I strain my eyes and struggle to see the future and instead I feel like I am groping around in the dark reaching for the light switch that can't seem to be found.
I have always had it all together, or at least been able to successfully fake it. I am, sometimes to the severe frustration of my friends, the mom of my group. I know how to be the supporter and the cheerleader but I never learned how to be the one supported. I am the one with the big dreams and the roadmap to get there. I am the one who has it all... but tonight, I don't. In fact I so far from don't I cried because I dropped my fork. But, in this messy, stressed out, place of uncertainty I finally realized that is completely ok to not know the answer but it is not ok to live in fear. And it is the most freeing realization I have EVER (and I mean ever) had (Thanks mommy).
I was flipping through instagram and stumbled across one of my favorite pages, the radientlifeblog.com (If you don't follow them you should), and tonight instead of a fashionable print the picture simply said "no fear in love" and my jaw dropped and my heart instantly soothed from the chaos that has been whirling around in my brain for the past few days. It was almost as if God was saying "do I need to create an instagram to get your attention?" Here is the verse they got that from 1 John 4:18 "Perfect love casts out all fear" OH MY GOSH!!!!! DID YOU GET THAT?! I know it is easy to miss because its short but "perfect love casts out all fear." There is nothing, literally nothing on this earth to be afraid of if you have love. That sounds so cheesy, and it sounds like I should owe Disney thousands of dollars for copyright infringement considering that is the climax in all their movies, but it is so true and so simple that I completely forget it ALL THE TIME. And, when I forget, I end up in this weird uncertain, whiny, "do you love me" phase and it is annoying and ugly and hard to function. It breaks my spirit and yet the answer to healing is right in front of me all the time.
But, when I am not living in love I am also not living in hatred, no hatred (in and of itself) can be very powerful and push your life in new directions (usually very negative directions-not something I recommend). No, I live in an even more dangerous place-I live in fear. And fear not only makes me feel weak and incapable and incompetent it cripples me in every single aspect of life; my school work, my friendships, my relationship. Fear leaves me treading water, not going anywhere and not doing anything. Fear is just as dangerous as hate. Kelsey and Kendall on the Radient life blog go on to state "fear holds you back from accomplishing dreams and it also holds you back from raw, open relationships with the people you love most." FEAR IS KEEPING YOU FROM LIVING THE LIFE YOU DREAMED-and the answer to fear is not one second of intense courage, or weekly planners filled with inspirational quotes. No, the antibiotic to fear is LOVE. Crazy, intense, passionate, selfless, I am willing to get hurt LOVE. Somewhere in my "I got this" life I have become so afraid to love. So afraid of not being enough: pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, successful enough...just enough. So, instead of pushing through that fear with love I just shut down. I quit loving me and in the process began to shortchange every one else in my life.
Sitting on a beach in San Diego last week my friend Maggie said "I just love love" and I thought it was one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard. But Maggie was so right-SO RIGHT-and I was too stubborn to see it. The imperfect people in and around my life love me so perfectly and yet I overlook it everyday looking for that deep philosophical answer to combat my fear, to combat the source of an empty life. So for tonight sitting in this little room looking to the years ahead and reflecting on the years behind I will look without fear because I will look through a gaze of love...Here are a few (and I mean very few- there are thousands of others) things/examples of love that immediately come to mind:
1. My mom has this collection of shells and rocks that my dad has collected from everywhere he goes-when I asked why they all look broken he showed me how they all make hearts if they are turned the right way. MY DAD GETS MY MOM HEART SHAPED STONES AND SHELLS OH MY GOSH! That is so gross....and cute...and gross.
2. My beautiful friend Maggie being an absolute cheerleader, rockstar, and just rock when I was freaking out about swimming in the ocean. Not only was I a whiny baby about it I am pretty sure I pouted like a 3 year old, but she NEVER and I mean NEVER stopped cheering me on. You would have thought I had found the cure for cancer how much she was cheering for me.
3. Staying up really late even though you know you have to get up early for work simply because someone needs you that night-suddenly 8 hours of sleep seems overrated (even though you really wanted it).
4. The way my college pastor and his wife will stay awake until super late on a saturday night to watch the presidential debate with me so I don't have to watch alone (not only did they watch it with me they let me talk through the whole thing which can be really annoying).
5. The way my grandma starts every phone message with "hey Megan, this is Mammaw..." Not only is it adorable but she took the time to call AND to leave a message-2 things that almost never happen anymore.
It is so easy to turn on the news and think "there is no love left in the world-why should I care" but there are rays of light and love every where you turn. We will never change the course of our lives, our friendships, our nation, our world with hatred. But more dangerous than hatred (and a root of the hatred itself) is the crippling fear that we live in each and every day. You will never get anything done living in fear-so instead live in love and let your light shine....light will always, always, always overcome darkness.
Today I choose joy, I choose contentment, and most importantly I choose love because it is literally EVERYWHERE and it is EVERYTHING. I choose to grab the chains of fear and throw them down because they only have power where you let them. I choose to live my messy, complicated, passionate life to the fullest and not waste one more day worrying my love isn't enough. I choose to live a real and raw life.
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened." Buddha
So, are you willing to love again?
I have always had it all together, or at least been able to successfully fake it. I am, sometimes to the severe frustration of my friends, the mom of my group. I know how to be the supporter and the cheerleader but I never learned how to be the one supported. I am the one with the big dreams and the roadmap to get there. I am the one who has it all... but tonight, I don't. In fact I so far from don't I cried because I dropped my fork. But, in this messy, stressed out, place of uncertainty I finally realized that is completely ok to not know the answer but it is not ok to live in fear. And it is the most freeing realization I have EVER (and I mean ever) had (Thanks mommy).
I was flipping through instagram and stumbled across one of my favorite pages, the radientlifeblog.com (If you don't follow them you should), and tonight instead of a fashionable print the picture simply said "no fear in love" and my jaw dropped and my heart instantly soothed from the chaos that has been whirling around in my brain for the past few days. It was almost as if God was saying "do I need to create an instagram to get your attention?" Here is the verse they got that from 1 John 4:18 "Perfect love casts out all fear" OH MY GOSH!!!!! DID YOU GET THAT?! I know it is easy to miss because its short but "perfect love casts out all fear." There is nothing, literally nothing on this earth to be afraid of if you have love. That sounds so cheesy, and it sounds like I should owe Disney thousands of dollars for copyright infringement considering that is the climax in all their movies, but it is so true and so simple that I completely forget it ALL THE TIME. And, when I forget, I end up in this weird uncertain, whiny, "do you love me" phase and it is annoying and ugly and hard to function. It breaks my spirit and yet the answer to healing is right in front of me all the time.
But, when I am not living in love I am also not living in hatred, no hatred (in and of itself) can be very powerful and push your life in new directions (usually very negative directions-not something I recommend). No, I live in an even more dangerous place-I live in fear. And fear not only makes me feel weak and incapable and incompetent it cripples me in every single aspect of life; my school work, my friendships, my relationship. Fear leaves me treading water, not going anywhere and not doing anything. Fear is just as dangerous as hate. Kelsey and Kendall on the Radient life blog go on to state "fear holds you back from accomplishing dreams and it also holds you back from raw, open relationships with the people you love most." FEAR IS KEEPING YOU FROM LIVING THE LIFE YOU DREAMED-and the answer to fear is not one second of intense courage, or weekly planners filled with inspirational quotes. No, the antibiotic to fear is LOVE. Crazy, intense, passionate, selfless, I am willing to get hurt LOVE. Somewhere in my "I got this" life I have become so afraid to love. So afraid of not being enough: pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, successful enough...just enough. So, instead of pushing through that fear with love I just shut down. I quit loving me and in the process began to shortchange every one else in my life.
Sitting on a beach in San Diego last week my friend Maggie said "I just love love" and I thought it was one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard. But Maggie was so right-SO RIGHT-and I was too stubborn to see it. The imperfect people in and around my life love me so perfectly and yet I overlook it everyday looking for that deep philosophical answer to combat my fear, to combat the source of an empty life. So for tonight sitting in this little room looking to the years ahead and reflecting on the years behind I will look without fear because I will look through a gaze of love...Here are a few (and I mean very few- there are thousands of others) things/examples of love that immediately come to mind:
1. My mom has this collection of shells and rocks that my dad has collected from everywhere he goes-when I asked why they all look broken he showed me how they all make hearts if they are turned the right way. MY DAD GETS MY MOM HEART SHAPED STONES AND SHELLS OH MY GOSH! That is so gross....and cute...and gross.
2. My beautiful friend Maggie being an absolute cheerleader, rockstar, and just rock when I was freaking out about swimming in the ocean. Not only was I a whiny baby about it I am pretty sure I pouted like a 3 year old, but she NEVER and I mean NEVER stopped cheering me on. You would have thought I had found the cure for cancer how much she was cheering for me.
3. Staying up really late even though you know you have to get up early for work simply because someone needs you that night-suddenly 8 hours of sleep seems overrated (even though you really wanted it).
4. The way my college pastor and his wife will stay awake until super late on a saturday night to watch the presidential debate with me so I don't have to watch alone (not only did they watch it with me they let me talk through the whole thing which can be really annoying).
5. The way my grandma starts every phone message with "hey Megan, this is Mammaw..." Not only is it adorable but she took the time to call AND to leave a message-2 things that almost never happen anymore.
It is so easy to turn on the news and think "there is no love left in the world-why should I care" but there are rays of light and love every where you turn. We will never change the course of our lives, our friendships, our nation, our world with hatred. But more dangerous than hatred (and a root of the hatred itself) is the crippling fear that we live in each and every day. You will never get anything done living in fear-so instead live in love and let your light shine....light will always, always, always overcome darkness.
Today I choose joy, I choose contentment, and most importantly I choose love because it is literally EVERYWHERE and it is EVERYTHING. I choose to grab the chains of fear and throw them down because they only have power where you let them. I choose to live my messy, complicated, passionate life to the fullest and not waste one more day worrying my love isn't enough. I choose to live a real and raw life.
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened." Buddha
So, are you willing to love again?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)